Friday, February 25, 2011

The More I Seek You ~ Gateway/Kari Jobe

I want to know Jesus this intimately!!!

breaking point!

Its been almost 4 months since Andys life has been rocked!
i lost the glue that has held our family together. I not only had to figure out how to keep it together for me and my children but deal with Travi crying and missing his daddy so much and it has devestated my heart.
I had bills,papers,overdue balances sky ss money coming in and borrowing money in hopes that ss would come through.....cry, toss and turn in bed, cry and so forth.
Being a single mom and dealing with this type of loss is so hard... countless times of running into the other room to tell andy what happened and he wasnt there....sorrow overwhelm me and then my kids start screaming for whatever reason! AHHHHHH!!!
When i find things couldnt get any worse I find out my house in cincy has a busted pipe and it hit all 3 levels and my homeowners insurance will not replace damages...floors and walls bubbling and what once was a beautiful happy home is a place where i now have to walk away from and pray that God would come through for me because my credit will be bad and my rental is up at the end of may!

I have questioned my faith,weeped,got angry at God  for weeks not spend time with him, tell him this is what i want,run as fast as i could to stay in my own misery...
Until I felt I hit rock bottom....I scared myself with my hurtful attitude and hurt ppl i loved....My kids had to deal with a very angry person, a very lost person.....But Jesus was there all along just waiting for me to rest in him....I had my own agenda and told God....Im sure God laughed but I was so angry for taking such a perfect love and destroying it....a family that used to have every night together was now seperated...and i was devestated!

I really had to hit that ultimate low to realize that theres no other way out of this but up!
God placed amazing friend in my life that is very strong in the Lord to help me make a u-turn in my life, get me back on the right track....
I started a 3 month grieveing group at my church and along with that i got rid of outside,music that doesnt edify my spirit,  facebook..I dont want to be numb anymore i wanna be raw before God so i can heal correctly..and am digilently doing my workbook everyday for my grieveing group,reading the bible and just laying there with worship on....even if i cant get motivated to move he sweetly sings over me with his prescence...

I know that this grief share is going to not take all the pain away but stop me from letting it have a hold on my life, who i am, and who God wants me to be...after its over i know ill still be grieveing andy but ill have more freedom!

I cant wait until my mourning turns to joy but until then i will press on and lean into these grieveing waves holding onto God...Hes all i got!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Vday 2011

Its Been A While

Its been a while since i posted...As you know Andy passed away early Nov. and we moved to Nj to be around family.

Its been 3 months and some days it seems harder than it was 3 months ago...This year will be so many ups and downs,ins and outs...

But I got the opportunity to take Travis Bowling yesterday and wanted to share some pics....Enjoy!!!

cutest bowling shoes ever...haha