Friday, September 30, 2011

Andys Heart

I have started a blog of Andy's heart...His writings,passion and intimacy with Jesus...My prayer is that reading these posts will encourage you, bless you and draw you closer to the Father's love for us!!!

Friday, September 23, 2011

I'm Melting, I'm Melting...........

Alot of people have been wondering how the internship is going, how im doing...I have been very anti-social this past month and its for a reason. ..Alot of people(who mean very well) have thier opinions,advice for me...etc and i need to close myself away for these next few months because right now Gods opinion is the only one that is important to me right now, and i dont want anything distracting me from hearing clearly from him....

So i enjoy being able to blog out my feelings and saturate in your prayers! Thank You for Understanding...

There is only one way as i explained to mom how this internship is affecting my life...coming into this lets say i had my share of put it lightly...I had the love of my life ripped away from me and my babies and I was hurt,mad,angry,fearful...I felt like half of me died...Which all of these things people will say are valid and understandable...When you meet the one God has for you and unites a man and woman, the two shall become literally half of me was kapuuut, Gone!!!

My heart was shredded into a million pieces,my soul ached. And no one could fix this(as much as momma Jacobs wanted too..Love u mom) But time and God!

As i entered the internship with such turmoil in my heart,anxiety...etc I knew not only God had a lot of work to do ...but so did I... you get what you put into it took alot of  asking God to break down major walls and surrendering my insecurities to him...God doesnt just give u a silver platter of a heart thats you go kelly,heres your prize!(((Darnitt))

If he did that we would only need him when things go wrong and tell him to hit the road when things go right, I can take it from here Lord...Peace-dude!

He desires that relationship with us to be our Lord and Savior not just our Savior all he time...AHHH ok now i get it God...

So really there is only one way to put the transition  hes doing right now....Hes melting the wicked witch inside of me...the anger,the hurt, the anxiety,the fear...Hes bringing it all to the surface right now...although not fun to face but its vital to face it so God can truly heal me, restore me, make me a better, loving,nurturing momma....

My goal is that this wicked witch will cease to exist...Melt her Lord, Attitude and ALL!!!
I want a heart that is Free,and you desire that out of me as well...So lets get to work,God!!!

Monday, September 19, 2011


so I catch Jenna  analyzing this spot on the ground, and i watch her look around to see if anyone is watching, realizing its a fruit snack that travis had yesterday and is mushed into the carpet, i see her hit the carpet mouth first trying to eat it off of the carpet when she realizes its not going to budge, she looks at me with that smile and all i can do is laugh.......really kid? we have food, i can feed you!!!

Friday, September 16, 2011

with you, without you - brad paisley

Andrew Ray I Still Love You With All My Heart!!!

Happy Birthday Daddy!

Best Buds

We Love you and miss you!!!

More pics to come...

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Not All Widows are Senior Citizens...

Its been one of those weeks for me..Im doing fine,Kids hearts are pumping...check, Inhaled a days worth of chocolate to cover nerves...check,socks are on both feet(maybe matching,maybe not)...check

When all of a sudden out of left field grief bombarded me most say like a wave...well this one was a flood...It affected me physically,spiritually, and emotionally..I felt paralyzed...

In a moment i realized i just got through my (would be) 6 yr anniversary, Andys bday is next week and the day He passed on is right around the corner....In the past week Ive had people graciously love on me, tell me im unhealthy by giving anger a place and i need to move past this,and some who just wanted to listen even if it was me sitting there with tears flying...

So many people will tell you things like..."its a season", :god will heal and restore you", "this too shall pass"...Which is great to know....but what about when your knee deep in grief and are a ways away from the other side....I think a lot of people forget those heart-wrenching moments and how they pushed through and just offer how good it will be someday....Well someday isnt here...Im trucking through the muck and if you want to offer advice...Give me tips on how to persevere in weakness, and run and fight while im in the muck...

In our internship we are doing a study on secrets of the secret place and this pastor has lost his voice for the past 20 years and he walks you through those dark places because his season has been for 20 years people!!!  People who are hurting dont want to hear how good it will be someday, We want to know how do you manage when you have no desire to get out of bed a year later...Give me your journey, be real with me!

" Not All Widows Are Senior Citizens"

When you think of widows, im sure your mind tends to go to the old widow who is retired, who has lost her elderly husband ...but there are so many (like MWA) who are stay at home moms, raising kids, husband brings home the bacon, does the bills and cares for the finances,and out of nowhere...BAMMM Tragedy!

We are left with the reponsibility of raising kids and entering into single momma-hood,and having to take on a bunch of responsibilities were not used to, watching homes fall apart, cars reposesed,trying to be patient with your children when all you wanna do is shake your fist at the sky and cry WhyGod,Why Me?

And on top of having to own up to your old responsibilites, your newfound ones,be mom and dad and everything in between, your left with grieving your love, your loss, your life!

Yes God makes all things beautiful, and in his time we will heal and mend...But so many like myself need prayer and support and love....not to be on your time scale, to be told where we should be at or how long we should be in a grieveing stage....We need to start learning to Love like God loves us....Gently but firm!

I came across this online community for young widows, and its ppl just like myself who are posting things from not wanting to live another day to ideas n how to mark the 1st year anniversary...and let me tell you 90% are moms with kids that are in there 30's and 40's....

There are so many who have no hope...They dont have Christ as thier foundation so when there house is destroyed they no longer want to live, they either want to die or be numbed by alcohol and pills....

Please continue to pray for the Widows!

A story of a young widow in the bible "Anna"

"There was also a prophetess, Anna, the daughter of Phanuel, of the

tribe of Asher. She was very old; she had lived with her husband seven

years after her marriage, and then was a widow until she was

eighty-four. She never left the temple but worshiped night and day,

fasting and praying. Coming up to them at that very moment, she gave

thanks to God and spoke about the child to all who were looking forward

to the redemption of Jerusalem."


Im sure over 30 yrs of never leaving her house of prayer she heard many scoff and tell her shes wasting her life by not remarrying....But the dedication, the faithfullness,the sacrifice is what God wants from us....He wants us to be found faithful.....and thats honorary that she didnt run around with men filling her hurting voids, didnt run to something that would numb her like alcohol and drugs  but she wanted to fast and pray in her house of prayer and to be found faithful by the Lord.